Pastoral responses to the loss of a baby

I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. It was a profound, wild grief which too quickly had to be restrained, contained, eventually smothered. I had left the hospital empty-handed, in a daze, and simply gone back to my flat. —Reflection from a grieving mother

Although the loss of any child is an acute, painful tragedy, those who lose a baby through stillbirth feel an even more complex sense of loss. Those parents who have a stillbirth never have the chance to get to know their child. For them there is no past to treasure, no tender moments, no happy memories to recall as when an older child dies. For parents who suffer stillbirth, their child is the symbol of a future never realized. Returning from the hospital empty-handed leaves them grieving not one, but two children: the infant born without life and the child of their dreams and hopes. If parents of a stillborn child are to make the journey from darkness to light and from despair to hope, they must have the gentle support, guidance and love from their friends, pastors and other spiritual leaders. Here are some ways to help parents deal with the grief of stillbirth.

Respond promptly and boldly. When learning someone has lost a child at birth, make your caring presence felt as soon as possible. Kind words and actions initiate the process of recovery, adjustment, and eventual healing. Write, phone, or visit. Your contact should convey this one simple message: “I am so sorry. I want to do whatever I can to be helpful!” Do not be timid about responding. Do not avoid the person. Sadly, some are so intimidated by the news that they avoid the grieving parents.

“People were afraid of me, so they avoided me,” recalls one woman whose baby died an hour after birth. “Their absence caused me even more pain, because I felt as though I was being punished by them. The lack of contact made me feel they were angry with me and were telling me, ‘You lost your baby, so I’m not talking to you.’ Their attitude made me feel like a failure as a woman.”

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Include the mother in all decisions. There are too many cases of mothers experiencing complicated grief because they were excluded from decision making when a baby has died at birth. Here are some of the major decisions that must involve the mother:

• Will the baby be named?
• Should the mother see the baby?
• Can the mother hold the baby?
• Will there be a funeral service to say goodbye?
• What will be done with the baby’s room, clothing, toys etc.?

These are all extremely personal decisions and the mother’s wishes should be respected. Otherwise mothers are inadvertently set up for a complex and lengthy grief.

Kathleen Holsopple writes of waking up to a “pain beyond any I had ever experienced.” Holsopple was pregnant when complications set in and she was rushed to the emergency room, hemorrhaging badly. The doctors had to do an emergency C-section. While they saved her life, the baby died. “The next three days passed without my waking much. On the third day, I learned the truth,” she recalls. “My baby was dead and had been buried already. While I was unconscious, life and death had gone on without me.” The father named their son Adam. “A few days earlier, I had been uncomfortably pregnant. Now my womb and arms were empty. I never got to hold the baby I had carried and loved for nine months.” Worse yet was the fact that Holsopple returned to a house emptied of any reminders. “My well-meaning family had taken away every trace of the nursery I had been working on for weeks. Packing away the baby things had been done to take my mind off our loss. People changed the subject when I would talk of Adam. I had no outlet for my feelings, so I buried them inside.” Because Holsopple was excluded from major decisions, her grief became twisted and distorted, driving her to alcohol and suicidal thoughts. It took working with her pastor to enable her to eventually work through the pain and depression.

Pray for the grieving parents and their family. The loss of a baby is a devastating experience for parents. It leaves a deep wound. Yet, that wound can heal. Pray for grieving parents, asking God to pour out an abundance of healing graces. Be guided in your prayers by biblical promises of help and healing such as Isaiah 41:10—“Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you.” As you pray, be confident and recall the words of the apostle James: “The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective” (5:16).

Make use of religious rituals. “The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of your baby. It helps provide you with the support of caring people,” says Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. “The funeral is a way of giving testimony to the life and death of your child. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself.” Dr. Wolfelt also notes that deciding not to have a funeral is a frequent regret that many parents express. “You and your baby have a right to have a funeral. The funeral is one thing you can do for your child at a time when you feel you can do so little.”

The funeral does not have to be done immediately. It can be performed when parents are more physically and emotionally prepared. Do not deny the grieving parents the opportunity to have a funeral ritual of some kind.

Be careful what you say. Some well-intentioned people, seeking to make parents feel better, offer trite clichés which only frustrate and anger the bereaved. Consider the following woman, who wrote advice columnist Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) and signed herself as Grieving. Explaining she lost her baby late in the pregnancy, Grieving writes, “This tragedy was heartbreaking enough, but some of the ‘comforting’ comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse.” Grieving then requested that Abby ask readers never to try to comfort a woman who has lost a baby with any of the following comments:

• Cheer up, you’re still young. You can try again.
• You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have.
• It was God’s will. Praise the Lord.
• Maybe you were lucky: your child might not have been normal.
• Don’t be so downhearted. It isn’t as though you lost a child.

Better statements to offer grieving parents are those that simply express your support and concern. Such healing sentences include the following:

• I care about you and want to help in any way possible.
• I am including you in my thoughts and prayers each day.
• This must be very hard for you. What can I do?
• Please know that I am here for you and your family.

Suggest naming the baby. “Your baby deserves a name,” advises Dr. Wolfelt. “If you had already decided on a name, keep it. This name truly belongs to this unique child. Having a name for your baby allows you to talk about your loss in a personal way. You are openly acknowledging that you have loved a child and will always remember him or her. You will find it easier to embrace your memories if you can refer to your baby by name.”

Be sensitive to the father. When there is a stillbirth, the mother receives the bulk of care and support. The father is sometimes neglected and becomes an “invisible” griever. All those seeking to help at the time of stillbirth need to remember that the loss of a child is felt by both mother and father. Be sensitive to the father. Engage him in conversation about the loss. Listen carefully to his expressions. Respond with empathy. Allowing a father to express his feelings will ease his pain and lessen feelings of being isolated with his grief.

Recommend a support group. Conduct a survey of community resources for helping people deal with grief. Almost every community has several bereavement support groups available, including ones specifically for parents who have lost a child. Track down such groups in your community, writing down the time of the meetings, location, length, and a contact person. Then, recommend that the grieving parent(s) try out a group. Support groups are invaluable, because they provide support from others who have experienced similar losses.

Finally, encourage grievers to be patient with themselves. Grief recovery takes time, usually much longer than most people anticipate. Most parents who have lost a child report their surprise that it took them between up to 24 months to adjust and adapt to their loss. Although it takes time to heal, healing does come. One mother says, “It has been a year since my son’s death and now the good days outnumber the bad ones. I do feel more vulnerable to life’s random tragedies. But I find comfort in knowing that Sean is with God, who tenderly cares for and loves him.”