Six ways to teach your children the faith

Handing on the faith to one’s children is a learn-as-you-go thing. Often you find your heart in your mouth, like the day you drove off from the hospital with your first baby and thought wildly, “They’re letting us take this kid out of here?!” When my husband and I brought our newborn in for checkups during those first weeks, I couldn’t shake the notion that I was returning him like a library book, so the doctor could look him over and give us the OK to check him out again for a few more weeks.

I imagine there are parents who don’t start out this way, but I don’t know any of them.

Many parents likewise find their confidence failing them when they learn the church has proclaimed them their children’s “first and foremost educators” in the faith. Our first reaction is often, “Who, me?” Although we may discuss toilet-training methods with complete strangers, we seldom ask others just how they hand on the faith.

Here, then, are six family practices, honed in the everyday whirlwind that is parenthood.

1. To everything there is a season
Crammed with feast days and whole seasons such as Lent, Advent, Easter, and Christmas, the Catholic Church bursts with delights for the senses: holy water, incense, bells, candles, music, flowers, colors, oil, ashes. Who could ask for more to hold the interest of the young?

A wise person said that Catholics don’t keep Lent; rather, Lent keeps Catholics. The practice of our faith is what keeps us faithful. Catholicism invites us to take stock during Lent with prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.

Kids often want to do some pretty heroic things for Lent: In our family we fast from TV. This means no NCAA March Madness, usually no Oscars. Do I get itchy for TV? You bet. But you can’t forget it’s Lent, and that’s a good thing. Lent is also a great time to begin service projects (visit a nursing home, work in a food pantry) that you may well continue once Lent is over.

Holy Week, contrary to popular belief, can be wonderful for kids. With preparation they appreciate the unique story of these liturgies: footwashing, a procession with the Blessed Sacrament, veneration of the cross, a church bathed in candlelight. The bilingual Easter Vigil at our parish can last four hours, but you can’t drag our kids out of there.

Hope De Leon of Arlington Heights, Illinois says that her youngest, at 8, loves the Easter Vigil: “The best part is when the people who are becoming Catholics step into the font with the priest to be baptized. We get to see their faces and hear their gasps as the cold water is poured on their heads. Our reaction as the gathered witnesses is probably not what John the Baptist was looking for, but even with smiles and soft laughter, it is moving and memorable.”

Find a living Stations of the Cross on Good Friday. Try visiting seven churches with your kids on Holy Thursday night. Many churches stay open till midnight for prayer—our own chance as disciples to stay awake with the Lord. They’ll love it.

Catholic seasons even have a home décor side: Nativity sets, Easter flowers, Mary altars in May. Can visitors to your home (not to mention your kids) see clues that you’re followers of Christ?

“Our house features a lot of Catholic and spiritual art and artifacts,” says Ted Rosean of Wilmette, Illinois. “None of us really noticed how much until the girls’ friends from high school, many of whom are Jewish, came over and commented on it, which of course mortified the girls.”

2. Talk about what you believe
Many of us are struck dumb when our kids ask tough questions. A dad once told me that he found himself unable to answer his young son’s question about why God “took” a beloved aunt who had died. He ended up avoiding the topic and even bedtime prayers with the child for months afterward. Of course, he felt terrible about it.

If tongue-tied, start with, “What do you think?” as you gather your thoughts. Listen to what the child is really asking, and speak from the heart.

If a child wants a TV in his or her bedroom and you know that unsupervised TV watching would do damage to the child, say so, rather than hiding behind, “We can’t afford it.”

If you don’t want to buy your kids clothing from Abercrombie & Fitch because their catalog features young people in various states of undress, tell your kids that—at the very least they’ll respect you for your beliefs.

Don’t duck moral questions. Surveys routinely show that parents have the greatest impact on whether kids engage in premarital sex or other worrisome activities. Yet parents often remain mum.

Why do you not want your seventh-grader to go on dates yet? Why shouldn’t the high school student drink beer or smoke pot? Why would you be disappointed if your fifth-grader teased the class outcast? Find the words. Encourage kids to ponder what God might be calling them to do.

Get kids thinking about topics in the news from a moral standpoint: war, torture, abortion. Discuss them at dinner. Help your kids imagine what it might be like to be in such situations. If you feel you don’t know the teachings of our church on certain issues well enough to represent them to your child, why not learn about them together?

Annemarie Scobey of Milwaukee is the principal writer of At Home With Our Faith, the family spirituality newsletter I edit. She describes how she and her husband talk with their kids about “the little miracles or ‘Godincidences’ that make us aware that God is involved. This has taught them that a relationship with God is not about praying for miracles, but rather looking to see when God is there.”

Perhaps toughest of all: Be open about your relationship with God in times of suffering and joy and in between. At meal times and at bedtime, give thanks and ask for God’s help (in your own words) alongside your children. Let them see, day in, day out, how you depend on God.

3. Find some allies
My husband and I invited an old friend, a priest, for dinner the week our firstborn son left for college. He gave our son a handmade ceramic cross from the Holy Land. Then he looked our son in the eye and, in as forceful a tone as I’d ever heard him use, said, “I have just one thing to say to you: Don’t lose your faith!”

What a message for a kid going off to college: Someone, besides your predictable old parents, cares passionately whether you practice your faith as you grow up. Allies like this are invaluable. Where to find them? They may be godparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, fellow parishioners, parish priests and staff members, coaches, teachers. Encourage them not to be bashful in talking about faith with your child.