Sex, lies, and hook-up culture
It seems that easy sex is rampant on college campuses today, but new research reveals that students really want romance.
When Donna Freitas offered a class on dating and spirituality at St. Michael’s College in Vermont, she didn’t know her students would want to change the social scene at the Catholic liberal arts school. But when they learned that none of them liked the culture of casual sex on campus, they decided to create a newspaper discussing “hook-up culture” and got the whole school talking about it.
“It was the most extraordinary experience I ever had as a professor,” Freitas says. “But I also started to wonder: Is it like this elsewhere?”
Her book Sex and the Soul (Oxford) documents what she found surveying 2,500 students and interviewing 111 about religion and sex at seven colleges—Catholic, evangelical, public, and private.
She found casual sex on all but the evangelical campuses, but she also found that students lie about how much sex they have and about liking the culture of casual sex. Worse, college administrations lie by denying that hook-up culture even exists.
“I just finished my 14th year as a teacher, and in my experience, if students are struggling with something, if there is an unmet need, you come up with resources to answer the need,” Freitas says.
The good news, though, is that there is a way out. All it takes, Freitas says, is speaking the truth.
What is a hook-up?
I asked every single person in the study how they defined it, and I learned that a hook-up is any sexually intimate activity—it could be as innocent as kissing or it could be intercourse—but what defines it is that it’s casual, unplanned, with no commitment. It often involves alcohol and little talking.
How prevalent is hooking up on Catholic campuses?
The reality is that Catholic colleges are like secular colleges. Everywhere I’ve been, students say the same thing about hook-up culture. The only exceptions are evangelical schools.
The perception is that everybody hooks up all the time and loves it, but in reality people are hooking up far less than they think others are. A lot of students had one hook-up experience, but that certainly is not rampant. People lie about how much sex they’re having and inflate what’s going on because the social pressure to hook up is really enormous.
There are a few students who really do love hook-up culture. They are the kings and queens of the school—the purveyors of hook-up culture—especially on small campuses, but they are very few and far between.
Is hook-up culture new?
I graduated from Georgetown in 1994, and I knew about hooking up. But it also meant, “Let’s hook up for happy hour.” You knew who the hook-up crowd was, but it wasn’t pervasive.
Now this Animal House, frat-boy behavior is the norm on many campuses. You don’t have to join a frat to go to theme parties where men dress up as “pimps” and women dress as their “whores.” When I was in college, we had events like “preppy” parties, but now there are a number of variations on “pimps and ho’s,” almost all with men in powerful positions and women dressing sexily in subordinate positions. Everywhere I go, students say that everybody goes to these parties.
If most students don’t like hook-up culture, what do they want from relationships?
Almost everyone—regardless of gender or sexual orientation—told me they want old-fashioned romance.
When romance came up, students said it’s talking—just talking for hours, on a pretty beach, over dinner, under a starry sky. They want communication. With hook-up culture any communication that happens tends to be sexual and drunken. That’s not real or romantic to the students.
It’s not that they don’t want to have sex ever or that they want to save sex for marriage—so, parents, don’t get your hopes up. But when they have sex, they want to be in love with that person. They want respect. They want someone to know them. They want hundreds of candles lit. And they don’t want to get there right away. They would like endless nights of romance first.
Then there’s sadness and remorse that they have no idea how to get what they want. They feel like it’s crazy to feel this way, and they’re embarrassed to admit it.
Basics like asking somebody out seem impossible to them. A few actually told me it’s much easier to have sex with someone than to ask him or her out.
Students are left hoping that if you hook up with somebody often enough, maybe eventually they’ll realize they like you, and you’ll get into a relationship. That’s why a lot of women say they hook up.
Is there a difference in the way young men and women perceive hook-up culture?
People think girls have become frat boys. Ariel Levy in Female Chauvinist Pigs (Free Press) talks about how this is, again, about the difference between perception and reality. The myth today is that all women love sex and porn.
But when Levy sat down with women alone, she heard that they’re actually really unsettled by that attitude. They feel ashamed and uncomfortable. That’s what I found as well.
I taught a course on my study last year, and I had the most left-wing students you can imagine. Their favorite book was A Return to Modesty (Free Press) by Wendy Shalit, who wrote the book right out of college. She turned to Orthodox Judaism and its modesty laws as a way out of hook-up culture. She talks about modesty being a virtue and about drawing boundaries.
My students didn’t know they could have boundaries other than at sexual assault and rape. They felt they had to go along with behavior that made them uncomfortable.
The other piece is that, with a very few exceptions, guys don’t like hook-up culture either. They don’t want to rack up their number of sexual partners. They feel it gets in the way of real relationships. But there is a stigma among guys about critiquing hook-up culture. Expressing an interest in romance or dating is a mark against them, while hooking up is how they prove their masculinity to other guys. They felt trapped as well.
Why don’t students feel they can change their own behavior?
The issue is that hook-up culture rules the day. The social ethic is so powerful that students are afraid to say anything against it.
Comments (10)
The Brave New World
By Anonymous (not verified) on Sunday, April 19, 2009I'm a progressive atheist, and it sounds like I agree with the progressive students surveyed in Freitas' class, who felt uncomfortable with the hookup culture. It makes me feel terrible when there's a cute girl and I ask her out and she replies condescendingly, "Who dates any more?" How am I supposed to reply to that? "Who is polite, gracious, and classy any more?" "Who doesn't take soma and have orgies in the street any more?" And then the lady might offer to sleep with me, or not. But it's traumatic either way. If there is someone I like, then I probably want to get to know them, because it seems really dehumanizing to just have sex with someone if you like them. And just at a psychological level I have trouble sleeping with someone if I don't know them, because at the very least I like people and would be curious about her, if not more.
So I guess we're officially in the Brave New World. Or the Lord of the Flies world. Who knows. But my problem as an individual isn't to solve society's problems, it's just to find an acceptable wife. For me, the best available solutions are to hang around with the academic crowd, some of whom are smart and mature enough to understand that there's more to life than hookups. Or potentially to do academic work in foreign countries where people are more thoughtful and less slutty. It's kind of depressing that the American society that survived so many wars and other threats disintegrated so quickly with just a few carrots and sticks. But on the bright side, maybe we will serve as a civics lesson one day, for societies of the future that want to prevent devolution into mindless animalistic consumption, public orgies, and unrestrained debt.
Maybe you think I'm too harsh with the above writing, or conservative? Not really! I'm a Democrat, like progressive policies, don't mind sex before marriage, don't mind if people sleep around, and so forth. But let's be realistic. The social norms among college students are designed to prevent people from having relationships, even if they want them! You don't need an ideology to realize that this makes no sense.
The Hook-up Culture
By Denise Roberts, LCSW (not verified) on Monday, March 9, 2009As a clinical social worker practicing seventeen years now (ten of those in private practice), I am faced with counseling teens regarding the hook-up culture on a daily basis. I find it particularly striking that girls often seek power and acceptance through this behavior.
One Mother said the following to me after reading her daughter's journal, "It's like woman's lib gone mad! Don't these girls know that acting like boys doesn't make them equal to boys?"
In fact, she was hitting on a point. Many girls that I speak with feel as though they are equaling the score, so to speak, by having casual sex with guys. "After all" one teen told me, "they get power from putting a notch on their bedposts so why can't we?"
The truth is, I have never met a girl who was happy about her decision to hook up. Most say that they feel dirty and guilty after their brief encounters. Often I hear stories of extreme fear that 'someone will find out' about the encounter and a gossip trail will begin.
Many teens today seem not to know that women and men are already equal under God and the law. We don't have to have multiple sexual partners to prove this point. As a matter of fact, I often point out to girls the fact that they have actually given up one of the first rights they ever had with men... that is to say no to sex. Even Scarlett O'Hara had the right to tell Rhett that she was done with children and wanted a separate room. He was pretty upset with her, yes, but he respected her wish.
Ironically, chemicals may be partly responsible for women finding themselves waiting for that call the day after that never comes. The same hormone that stimulates milk production after birth and cements bonding between the newborn and her mother is also released in women during sex. This could be partially responsible for the bonding women can feel toward their sexual partners... even those that last just one night. So yes, we are equal... but different.
Although there is pressure on both women and men to join the hook-up club, I believe that women largely have the power to control the spread of this ever growing downward spiral of cultural depravity. It starts by joining together and remembering how powerful we are without giving ourselves away. It continues with less and less women making themselves available for casual sex. We can turn this cultural trend by insisting on getting from relationships what we have the right to get (and the responsibility to give)... love, respect, commitment, fidelity, communication, and partnership, just to name a few key goals of a healthy relationship.
Thank you so much for
By Mary Langan (not verified) on Saturday, March 7, 2009Thank you so much for articles like this. As a practicing Catholic and senior at an elite private college I am surrounded by the hook up culture that seems to be the only acceptable "relationship" option but that is both unfulfilling and cheapening to both parties involved. I hope there can be more discussion on the topic and a realization that hooking up is not the preferred option for most. God bless!
Believing The Lie
By CatholicCourage.com (not verified) on Tuesday, January 13, 2009I have no doubt that the author's survey was a fair representation of the campuses she included. As a former evangelical, I also appreciated the points she made regarding evangelical schools. I'm also sure that those Catholic schools that make an authentic effort to be faithful to the Magisterium and the spirit of Catholic moral teaching like the Catholic ones listed at This site would also offer a safe haven from the hookup culture.
Jesus asks whether he would find faith on the earth when he returns. Whether people will choose to question the lies when confronted with the truth. How can we expect young people to respect legitimate authority when we as "mature" adults pride ourselves on how superior our moral compass is compared to the outdated morality of Jesus Christ as given through the Church? Young people enter college with their belief in love intact. But parents are more concerned with their material success, stressing that sex before marriage could ruin their future plans (so use birth control?) but fail to tell them how it will diminish their ability to truly love - and set them on a path of spiritual deception and destruction. Does this sound too overbearing? How many parents would soft-peddle drinking and driving or Russian roulette? Sin kills the soul. The problem is as old as Adam and Eve, we'd rather believe the lie that makes us important than the truth that makes us good.
So while I find the author's data as immensely valuable, I respectfully suggest that her analysis may be limited by her own unwillingness to believe that sin is actually evil - that it actually and seriously damages both the sinner and those that are sinned against. The result is that we have a morality that may be gentle but is definitely not loving.
Our solution to the problem of a hookup culture is not found in inventing new ways to reach young people (as the Evangelicals endlessly do), but in understanding and communicating the singular truth - one that every devout Evangelical knows in part - that God loves us and has a wonderful plan for our lives and that Truth subsists in the Catholic Church.
I agree
By Anonymous (not verified) on Thursday, January 8, 2009Somehow society has convinced the masses that this behavior is normal and okay. The frightening thing is that it is happening at younger and younger ages and these youths are less able to process the experience,creating a cycle of self loathing and repeat behavior especially amongst young females. More students, who are strong in faith, need to speak up and make it okay for others not to follow the pack.
Catholic College Students
By Andrew B. (not verified) on Thursday, November 13, 2008As a current Catholic college student who attends a West Coast Jesuit University, I feel that this article does not paint an accurate portrayal of Catholic College Students.
I highly agree with the definition and mentality of college but also high school students who "hook-up" quite frequently. I also agree that there are not a lot of Catholic books and authors out there who write about such topics. However, as I read his article, I feel the need to speak up for the young adults who are not ignorant of the Church's teaching from John Paul II on the Theology of the Body.
In fact, there are so many popular Catholic authors out there, including Christopher West, Mark Hart, Todd Lemieux, Jason & Crystalina Evert, Mary Beth Bonacci, and Thomas Morrow.
Catholic college Students and Catholic high schools
By Sadie O. (not verified) on Monday, October 19, 2009I just want to point out that the Catholic teaching is not "don't do it" as this article presents. In my high school religion class we covered Theology of the Body extensively and I have met many more new freshmen who have learned about this teaching as well. Yes, it isn't as well known as it should be, but I feel that the ones who still believe that the Catholic's teaching is "don't do it" are highly ignorant of Pope John Paul II's writings in the past 30 years. If anyone wants to learn more about Theology of the Body, you can go to theologyofthebody.net or for the beginner's version by Christopher West (a Catholic author) christopherwest.com. Thank you.
Appreciation
By C. Morana (not verified) on Friday, October 31, 2008I greatly appreciate the thought put into this very relevant matter, the conversations which stemmed from your teachings, and the avenue that was opened because of your students, studies, interviews, and articles.
Having attended an all women's college, the 'liberal' arts attitude of acceptance was stressed. After one convocation about Censorship, (which entailed an open discussion with a group of 35 students, professors, and artists) I got the most out of one professor's comment which addressed reverse discrimincaiton on our campus. Discrimnation of the conservative view and acceptance of the liberal veiw, particularly on the topic of sex and sexuality, are typical attitudes of openness that students are asked to adopt. It is very important to note that these attitudes do stem from administration as much if not more than students.
Overall, there is much to be gained from having an open forum to air questions and concerns about dating vs hook-ups. In my experience there is much guilt associated with 'hooking up,' and finding an avenue (aside from Confession) to air these concerns, express the hurt, and overcome the behavior has proven difficult. If campus ministries, collegians, and Church leaders find a way to provide students & young adults with the enviornment, resources, and support needed to change the hook up culture please share them with me.
May the Lord continue to bless your work, Donna, as well as ALL those who share in its ministry.
A few years ago, when we
By Dr. Fran Ferder & John Heagle (not verified) on Tuesday, October 21, 2008A few years ago, when we were speaking on the Subject of our book, Tender Fires: The Spiritual Promise of Sexuality, on several college campuses, (Ivy League to small midwest colleges)we conducted a similar informal study. We found that many students used hook-ups as a method of relaxation. For them, casual sexual encounters eased anxiety before a test, or offered a needed distraction from stress. Among the approximate 500 students with whom we spoke, many said they did not have time to pursue a genuine relationship--ironically, they were "saving themselves" for a true love relationship until after graduation. Occasional, non-demanding sexual encounters, with little actual intimacy of the heart, met needs without causing distractions from studies.
Dr. F & JH, i strongly
By Tanz (not verified) on Saturday, March 28, 2009Dr. F & JH, i strongly identify with this even as a 25 year old entrepreneur, working towards "graduation" from business builder to business owner.
