What the U.S. bishops don't know about marriage
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
By Bryan Cones
Comments (29)
Since 2004 the U.S. bishops have been working on a pastoral letter about marriage, which they are scheduled to vote on at their November meeting. The National Catholic Reporter scored an advance copy of the document, and one has to notice what's missing: The voice of lay Catholics, especially married ones.
It's not that the bishops misrepresent the church's teaching on marriage, but the draft is so heavy on the "ideal" of marriage--don't miss "Marriage as a reflection of the life of the Trinity"--that it has almost nothing to do with actual married life. In fact the bishops focus so much on sex and procreation that one might think that's all there is to marriage--no dinners to make, no bills to pay, to chores to divide, no kids to drag out of bed in the morning and force into bed at night.
Even with the bishops' insistence on the necessity of the "procreative" dimension of marriage, their message remains completely ignorant of the emotional, financial, and sheer physical challenges of raising children. I'd like the Committee on Marriage and Family Life to spend a single Saturday--as I did last weekend--with my brother, sister-in-law, and their 3-year-old son and 3-month-old daughter. After five minutes--the amount of time it would take for Baby Kirsten to spit up on their suits--one of them would have to say, "Well, Bishop Ed, guess we need to go back to the drawing board."
Unfortunately this "pastoral letter" is as much a political one, directed at combatting same-sex marriage, divorce, and cohabitation rather than at fostering healthy Catholic marriages. You can read the draft at the NCR website yourself. But it's hard to disagree with that paper's editorial on the topic that the bishops should start over.
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Bishops and Marriage
By Anonymous (not verified) on Thursday, October 22, 2009I'm retired, but I worked for 28 years with Engagement and Marriage Encounters. I hope the majority of the Bishops have the sense to scrap this attempt to Save marriage. This pastoral will drive an even deeper wedge between today's youth and the Church. What the Bishops need to address it the problem of Family planning, Divorce and remarriage. The present tribunal system if for the birds.
Bishops on Marriage
By Anonymous (not verified) on Tuesday, October 20, 2009As a happily married man, I experience disappointments and difficulties like many other married people. However, I must say that many of the comments (including Bryan Cones) miss the point completely. Married couples do not need the Bishops to acknowledge and comment on everyday family life. Do you think the Bishops and everyone else is unaware of these things? What married couples really need is more spirituality and guidance which leads to a deeper understanding and appreciation of Christian Marriage. That's what the Bishops should do!
Some people think that human beings are incapable of true empathy, that you must actually go through exactly what I go through in order to understand. Well, that's simply not true. Human beings have the ability to do that and we do it all the time. And, last time I checked, Bishops are human beings, so please keep an open mind and listen to what they have to say.
Anonymous, I have to
By Ginny (not verified) on Tuesday, October 20, 2009Anonymous, I have to respectfully disagree with you. I think married folks DO need the bishops to acknowledge and comment on everyday family life because it's precisely these "everyday events" that can drive couples apart. Disagreements over money, the stress of raising children, the challenges of trying to get everything done when there is literally not enough time in the day to sit and have a conversation with each other ... these kinds of things can slowly chip away at a couple's closeness.
Yes, we do need to talk about the larger spiritual framework of marriage, because that sustains and nurtures us. But I think that needs to be balanced by acknowledgement of the stresses of everyday life, because those routines can affect whether we have the time, energy, or even inclination to look at the larger spiritual picture.
Yes, one of the wonderful
By John David (not verified) on Tuesday, October 20, 2009Yes, one of the wonderful characteristics of the human is the ability to have empathy. So, I do agree with you that we do not necessarily have to have the same experience in order to have an understanding about what someone else may be dealing with. Yet, we are vaired and complex. From my observation, it is clear to me that the gift of empathy varies quite a bit amoung us. Also we tend to have more empathy in some areas and less in others. Some seem to have a great deal and others seem to have very little. How much the individual bishops have, I cannot say with any certainity. But from what they have written in this draft, unfortunately, I can't say that I see much that is apparent.
A little empathy would be
By Kelly (not verified) on Wednesday, October 21, 2009A little empathy would be lovely. Our Church leaders do not exhibit any empathy at all for individuals who God created as homosexuals (as our catechism teaches). If those individuals would like to express their loving commitment to one another, there is no place for them in this Church. And there is very little empathy for heterosexual couples who cannot or do not choose to procreate, either.
However, I am heartened by the fact that our Church once endorsed slavery, but reversed its position on that issue -- proving that even our leaders are human beings and are susceptible to social pressures and prejudices. I hope I live to see the day they change course on issues like loving homosexual relationships and birth control. (Of course, it may not happen real soon. After all, it took 400 years for them to admit that Galileo was actually right and Church leaders were wrong)
Empathy and homosexuality
By David Phillips (not verified) on Wednesday, October 21, 2009There is no question in my mind that persons with "homosexual tendencies," as well as those persons who actually live an active homosexual (sinful) lifestyle, deserve compassion, love, and respect rather than the condemnation and hate which they have too often received historically.
However, we must be clear that homosexuality is a disorder. It can never be morally acceptable. I think there is a (deliberate) clouding of terms when it comes to this issue.
Why is the same compassion not called for for those with other sexual disorders, such as pedophilia? Those afflicted with the disordered tendencies of pedophilia also deserve compassion and help, rather than the condemnation society gives them. Despite the gravity of their problem, why is no concern shown for the souls of such persons?
There are people who are strongly tempted to steal; they deserve compassion, but stealing is still wrong. There are people who are physically addicted to harmful substances; they need help and love, but their addiction is still not good. There are people who are tempted to commit sexual sins, including homosexual acts. These people deserve compassion, but their sins are still objectively sins.
The Church is not wrong. The New Testament is not wrong. We have no right to change the natural law or God's Word.
I agree that we, as
By John David (not verified) on Wednesday, October 21, 2009I agree that we, as christians, are called to show compassion wherever there is struggle and suffering (something that I, too often, fail to do, I'm afraid). Yet, I disagree that homosexuality is a disorder. I see the Jesus of the gospels, who established a new covenent, as one who rejected a cold, legalistic relationship to God. I believe from my readings of the gospels that he saw natural law in a much broader context, one that had more to do with the heart and not the body. And one that saw how one can love God in ways that was outside the established thinking of the time.
You say that The Church is not wrong, but a review of history does, indeed show that The Church has been wrong. You say that the new testement is not wrong, but if we do believe that, than we would be embracing Paul's directive in The Book of Acts to form a socialistic society. Yet many of us do not believe in that.
Peace and Prayers
Bishops and marraige
By Anonymous (not verified) on Tuesday, October 20, 2009So what else iS new??!!
Bishops proposed "pastoral" on marriage
By Mrs. Patricia A. Federowicz (not verified) on Tuesday, October 20, 2009I read the NCR editorial on this topic and I thoroughly agree with it. From where I stand, the bishops do not know what they are talking about. My suggestion is they need a commission or committee composed of at least 12 married couples of differing number of years married,( at least half of them should or could be married priests, that is former priests who have left the priesthood in order to marry),and this commission could act as consultants to these would be writers of a pastoral on marriage, and they probably could write one themselves better than the proposed document that the bishops have written. Patricia A. Federowicz, 17 Clover Road, Apoalachin, NY 13732. (607)625-4622.
Do you see the below
By jerry d (not verified) on Monday, October 19, 2009Do you see the below comments are respectful and charitable in tone? Do you think that all the people who lived before the days of modern indoor plumbing wouldn’t label complaints about raising two kids as whining?
“their message remains completely ignorant of the emotional, financial, and sheer physical challenges of raising children. I'd like the Committee on Marriage and Family Life to spend a single Saturday--as I did last weekend--with my brother, sister-in-law, and their 3-year-old son and 3-month-old daughter. After five minutes--the amount of time it would take for Baby Kirsten to spit up on their suits…”
“Celibate men who have women do their laundry, cook their meals, have never had the responsibility of supporting a family and live in their own little "ivory towers" should not even attempt to write about the meaning or purpose of marriage.”
“where are they now when my 88 year old Mom struggles to feel good about herself because she has so little money after giving birth almost every year for ten years of her life to another needy infant… Where are all those bishops now?"
Your point that some people have extraordinary reasons for severely limiting children is not "venom" because the tone or your sentence had no malice or sarcasm and the bishops agree with your point, anyway.
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